


No End To It

by AHaresBreath



Series: Together [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Misery, Murder, Not the good kind, Pain, Past Abuse, Psychiatrists being annoying, Self Harm, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:27:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHaresBreath/pseuds/AHaresBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The summary is just me crying, that's all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No End To It

Dr Gedding flipped through his notes and sighed. Merlin Pendragon, age 31, multiple homicide.

There was a soft knock on the door and it was opened by a large orderly.

"Mr Pendragon for his appointment sir." He said, ushering in the pale, thin young man who slouched over to the chair, eyes on the ground.

"Thank you Russell," he turned to Merlin, "Good morning Merlin, how have you been since our last session?"

"Fine thanks, how are you?" Came the answer, it was automatic, the boy had had his manners drilled into him.

"I'm very well Merlin, thank you." It was always slow going at the beginning, he had to coax the real Merlin out from under his protective layers.

"I've been informed that you've been refusing to take your meds."

Merlin twitched and his eyes slid to the side, he shrugged.

"Why is that?"

Merlin shrugged again, head tilted and scratched at his neck. "They make me feel sick, and fuzzy, can't think properly..."

"The side effects should diminish over time, we've discussed the importance of taking them consistently before, do you understand why I have prescribed these for you?" Merlin nodded, "Will you take them for another few weeks and if you are still experiencing side effects we can try something different." Another nod. "Good," he scribbled on his note pad.

"Now, you've been biting on your arm again, may I?" Merlin raised his arm and the doctor took it, pressing his fingers into the warm, purpling bruises, he turned it back and forth several times, running his dry fingers over the unbroken skin, the fresh bruises mottled by old white scars.

"Can you tell me why you did that Merlin?"

Merlin shrugged again, "Dunno."

"Do you think it has to do with stopping your medication?"

Merlin shook his head and scratched his neck.

"Why's that?"

"Was doing it before. Before I stopped."

"Has anything particular happened recently that has made you want to harm yourself?"

Merlin's eyebrow raised and his lips quirked, he looked up and met the doctor's eye for the first time since he had entered the room.

"I can think of a few things," he said, eyes sparkling. There he was.

"How about since you've been with us Merlin, has anything happened since our last session?"

Merlin leant forward, elbows on his knees, studying the carpet and licked his lips, when he looked up his eyes were glassy, he bit down on his full lower lip and his brow furrowed.

"The other night... Russ came into my room... After lights out... And he pushed me to my knees and, and, he got out his cock, and it was so _big_ , and he fucked my mouth til I thought I would _choke_ , and then when he was done he pulled it out and came all over my face..." Merlin sat back, licking his lips again as if savouring the taste.

"And how did that make you feel?"

Merlin's eyes narrowed, temporarily thrown, and he glanced at where Russell stood by the door, arms crossed behind his back, staring into space.

"I felt _dirty_ ," he said, leaning forward and fixing the doctor with his bedroom eyes. "Filthy... And strangely hot all over." He writhed suggestively in his chair.

"Did Arthur call you dirty, Merlin?"

"No," Merlin snapped, sitting upright, "It's got nothing to do with Arthur."

"Did Arthur make you _feel_ dirty?"

"Arthur loves me."

Dr Gedding paused and wrote something on his pad.

"You became lovers when you were... Fourteen? That's very young."

"Weren't 'lovers', he was my _brother_." Merlin rolled his eyes.

"You were adopted, you weren't blood related."

"He's still my brother." Merlin spat between gritted teeth, tears dancing in his eyes.

"Most brothers don't share a bed, at least not the way you did."

Merlin mumbled something.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said, we're _special_."

"Who told you you were special Merlin?"

Merlin frowned, sensing a trap.

"Was it Arthur who said the two of you were special?"

He nodded slowly, fingers worrying at the dark and ropey scar on his throat again.

"Did he say you were better than other people?" There it was.

Merlin relaxed. "You're trying to blame Arthur again, you lot are all the same, you don't understand the _complexities_ ..." He let out a frustrated huff.

"Why don't you explain it to me then?"

Merlin rubbed his eyes and sighed. "You won't get it, have to put everything into nice little boxes, up down, left right wrong, victim or... and Arthur's the oldest so obviously I'm just doing what he tells me, like I don't have a mind of my own, like I can't think of a stupid ladder by myself. Maybe I just like killing people, maybe I just _like_ to fuck corpses, it's fun, it gets me _hard_ , alright?"

"According to the coroners' reports there was no evidence of anal or oral penetration on the victims, post-mortem or otherwise, you didn't "fuck" their "corpses"."

"Well," said Merlin with a sniff, "I could have."

Dr Gedding allowed himself a small smile.

"What did you do with the ladder Merlin?"

Merlin's eyes narrowed as he sifted through his tirade. "I climbed to Arthur's room." He said carefully.

"Why did you need a ladder?"

"He was locked in, he was being punished for failing a test."

"Your father was strict?"

"More so with Arthur, he was the Pendragon."

"You felt his punishment was unfair?"

Merlin shrugged, "I guess, Arthur always tried so hard."

"How did Arthur feel about it?"

"He accepted it, he always accepted it like it was his own fault."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Angry, is that what you want to hear Doctor? Angry and helpless."

"You wanted to protect him."

"Of course."

"And were you punished for climbing into Arthur's room?"

"Yes, but Arthur's punishment was extended, and he didn't get any dinner, Father thought he had put me up to it."

"But he hadn't?"

"No, I just wanted to be close to him."

"Your father tried to keep you apart?"

"No, only for punishments."

"Was he aware of the intimacy of your relationship?"

"That was later, but no, not til the wedding."

"Ah yes, Arthur's wedding," he thumbed back in his notes, "Where you showed a video of the two of you, well, being intimate."

"Yes," said Merlin with a smirk

"Why did you do that?"

"I've told you before."

"Humour me."

Merlin cocked his head, considering.

"Ahh, I was trying to _protect_ him."

"Why do you say that?"

"That's what you want me to say."

"Is it?"

"You're very annoying you know," said Merlin with a grin.

The doctor smiled, "So I've been told," he said.

"I could blow you if you want." Merlin suggested.

"Why would you do that?" asked Dr Gedding, straight faced.

Merlin shrugged, "For a favour, and cos I like you," he added with a wink.

"What would the favour be? Perhaps I can help you without need for recompense."

"Could you get something for me?"

"I can try, what is it?"

"A pair of scissors, bit of glass, pair of shoelaces even, that's traditional right?"

"Why do you wish to end your life Merlin?"

"Why do you wish to keep me alive? If we were in America I'd be on death row."

"That's unlikely, given your circumstances, but we don't operate a death penalty here."

"No, we pour billions of pounds into getting murderers to talk about their 'feelings'," he tugged at the scar on his throat, "And stitching them up instead of just letting them die like they're supposed to."

"What makes you think you were you supposed to die Merlin?"

"Not supposed like _destiny-supposed_ , but, we were supposed to die together... You can't expect me to live without him, you took him from me." 

Merlin glared, suddenly Dr Gedding represented the entire medical and legal infrastructure.

"No one took him from you Merlin, you killed him."

"I killed us both," he chuckled humourlessly, "I just didn't die..."

 

* * *

 

"I'm sorry." Merlin said quietly as Russell led him back to his room, "About what I said, about you."

Russell laughed "Don't worry, I heard plenty worse in this place."

"I wasn't trying to get you in trouble."

"I know baby, Doc wouldn't of believed you anyway, why you think they got cameras in all them rooms?"

"I thought that was in case we worked out how to make a weapon out of a felt blanket."

"Ha, that too baby, that too..."

Merlin smiled at the big jolly man, he wondered whether if he asked for a hug he would grant him one.

"Well, you ever find a corner with no cameras let me know, I'll show you what you're missing."

"Shush Merlin, you know I don't appreciate that kinda talk, and Mrs Johnson would have your skin if she ever found out." He winked and nudged Merlin with his great elbow, too hard on his bony ribs but it felt warm and good in this place of cold plastic.

"Sorry," he said again as they arrived at his room, he looked at the floor, "You in tomorrow?"

"I am, you got painting with Sinead in the morning?"

"Yeah, see you then."

"See you then."

As the door slammed shut behind him Merlin curled up on his bed and stared at the cream wall, he bit down on his wrist and let his silent tears stream down and soak uncomfortably into the thin pillow.

**Author's Note:**

> That's it, I'm stepping away from this verse, hopefully it's all purged and I can write something nice.


End file.
